“The Worst Thing”

Has anything else happened to you that has made you say: “this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” and really mean it? Not just say it, but mean it? An experience you had in life that holds back, so much that you wish you could just erase it like it never happened. A few weeks ago my husband was laying on our bed in pain from a herniated disk and heart sunk because I know what it is like to say that to yourself and my mind raced back to the time I said the same thing to myself.

This summer, marks the 5^-year anniversary of my “worst thing that has ever happened.” 

If you would have asked me before the incident what the worst thing that ever happened to me was? I would have said the say post bunion when I went to the ER. When the doctors thought I had compartments syndrome and it was scary but looking back - not the worst thing.

Five years ago, and three years after the ER incident, I was playing ultimate frisbee in my favorite tournament of the year, and after three days of playing approximately 5 hours a day I came home and felt some pain in my knee. I continued to play for the rest of the summer until my club team was in the national quarterfinal that that day, I realized I could no longer run or walk without pain.

After seeing four doctors, four PTs, getting an MRI, and trying many “pain, icy hot stick things”, it still hurts the most I know about my knee injury is that it is a mystery. And to this day, I am still in full-blown recovery mode.

The hardest parts about recovery is NOT doing what I REALLY what to do, to go after my dream on my terms and my time, especially hard seeing other people do it. It is like my own personal prison.  Not doing the things that I know fills your soul, will tear you up if you let the envy get to you.

After a while I noticed that my frisbee family or, as we so lovely call “framily” have stopped called to ask me when I’ll play with them again. I think they have realized, what I’ve finally realized, that I may never run again. Think about the word “never”, it's sticky. It’s such a strong word that is so definite and concrete.

Sometimes it feels like I’m grieving a past life. A time that is the past and will never exist again. I’ve been grappling with losing something I love for years now and it has taken time to accept what never might really mean for me. Especially after overcoming other difficult injuries in the past, never didn’t seem impossible until now.

Grieving for something you will never doing something again is my current mental state, and a few months ago, I caught myself thinking, “this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” That might be true, but it has taught me a lot. A lot about myself, life, and what is and isn’t important to me.  And how to say goodbye to something that you love.

This experience has taught me that everything in your life can teach you a lesson, if you let it, especially when you do not want to hear the lesson. The lesson will come to rear its ugly head and bust down the door to reach you. Screaming - HI I AM HERE! It’s Time to listen up!

While there is no miracle surgery that can fix my knee, hard work, and the continuous internal fight of making myself do PT exercises helps with long term pain management. COVID has helped me turn a new leaf on healing my injury it is slow going. My injury has been re-diagnosed as chronic pain and my body stronger than it’s been in about a year. From this time, I’ve have come away with new insights on where the knee injury is really stemming from – it's stemming from tightness in back and hips from sitting at a desk all day.

As for my husband, he is still in the thick of it. He is currently trying to schedule a doctor-approved cortisone shot but the doctor’s office is failing to pick up his calls to schedule an appointment. he is grapple with insurance authorizations and out of network BS, but he is getting there slow but surly and it inspires me to not give up on never. One silver lining is that I can now sympathize with his experiencing chronic pain, which is especially when someone I care so much about is facing it.

For me, I’ve learned “there is still so much more life you can live” no matter your circumstance. And to quote Mister Rogers “there is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.”

I’m wondering is there that makes you say to yourself “ that the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” And if there is anything that has taught you about acceptance?